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| This is not me. |
If you've been around me at all this year, you probably know that I am weirdly obsessed with turning 35 next month. I LOVE birthdays (LOVE), and am usually super-embracing of the next levelling-up, but for some reason "35" feels like a lump in my throat. It feels like heartburn and the yes-I-had-a-baby tummy softness always threatening. It FEELS like it should still FEEL young but does not...which is perplexing. And frustrating. And kinda melancholy, really.
I think being a parent has made me feel a lot older. And yet, I have much the same lifestyle I've always had...I freelance. I eat like a college kid when I'm not consistently home for family meals. I work either too much or too little, back-and-forth. So I am the tired I'm used to, plus mom-tired. That's two tireds.
I keep wondering what people behind a casting table see when I stand before them these days. I feel different than before I had a kiddo, and I feel like I look different, too. Like the years started catching up to me after my good genes had successfully staved some of them off for a while. But then, I'll still hear people talk about how energetic I am. And I think...REALLY?!?! And then I think...oh THANK GAWD. Because I am pretty much oblivious to these moments. Do I sleep through them? Are they second nature by now? My body just DOES and I don't even realize? I wonder if that is what makes me tricky to cast...I don't look like a kid anymore but I still perform with apparent high octane. I am an ageless clown.
...you know...I like that.
I'm o.k. with that.
I feel like, instead of betraying me, my body and my nature have given me a niche.
They're keeping me in business.
(Heavy eyelids, squirrel heart. This is almost-35.)
"I LOVE birthdays (LOVE), and am usually super-embracing of the next levelling-up, but for some reason "35" feels like a lump in my throat. It feels like heartburn and the yes-I-had-a-baby tummy softness always threatening. It FEELS like it should still FEEL young but does not...which is perplexing. And frustrating. And kinda melancholy, really."
ReplyDeleteExchange the 'baby tummy softness' with 'always had tummy softness' then I may as well have written this.
Months leading up to turning 32, I was already calling myself 32. 34 was easy - I flew out for a trip to Europe. But. For the last several months leading to 35, I finally have that "I feel like I'm getting old" doubt.
For years I've always greeted August 1 with a "why, hello0o there, birth-month! I've sure missed you!" This year, I let 8/1 slip on by without declaration of my turning a year older.
I now sit here on the eve of 35. Knowing that in *exactly* four weeks (28 days if you're counting) you will be on the eve of 35. We are NOT getting younger. We can no longer "round down" to 30. Or even try to claim we're in our early 30s.
But your body knows you better than anyone. You've always had an incomparable energy about you, physical and otherwise.
You won't be let down. You'll blossom into the next chapter. Tired, soft tummy, and all.
Love you, kid!
I am just getting this, but it is the perfect addition to today's denouement:). Becky, my forever pal;)...thank you.
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